In the interest of full disclosure, a lot of this entry is going to come across as self-pitying pathos, but know that it isn't intended that way, and should be taken as critical but honest reflection.
A while ago, I wrote a long and trenchant post about my post-high school life and how I anticipated that this summer was going to be occupied in equal measure by avoiding people I don't like and spending time with people I do like. Unfortunately, it has spiralled into me not really seeing anybody. Sure, I've hung out with my high school friends a few times before I went to Italy. After that, I haven't seen any of them. Part of the blame must come on my shoulders, as I spent a lot of time looking for a job and now that I've found one have little time to hang out during the week. However, I can't help but wonder why nobody calls me anymore. During high school, I got calls all the time, and while we didn't do a whole hell of a lot once we got together, I often enjoyed the meaningless hangouts and just shooting the shit. Despite occupying myself, the question of why this happened and the signs of friendships from one's past are getting harder to ignore. Yesterday on the subway, I was could hear a song about losing a friend from someone's ipod. Last night, I was watching an episode of the hit Canadian comedy "The Newsroom" where the main character George is met by a friend from high school who accuses George of thinking he's too good for everyone and cutting all ties to that group of people. These signs were starting to get absurd. I was turning the whole situation over in my mind this morning while driving to get my haircut, and the answer hit me like a bolt from the heavens and I almost hit a Nissan Maxima.
I'm a bastard.
Now here is where I want you to remember that pathos warning I issued earlier. I am not fishing in the compliment pool for reassurance that I am a nice guy and all that Lifetime crap. I'm a bastard, and I know it. What's worse, I don't do anything about it. In fact, I indulge my obnoxiously sarcastic personality to monstrous and ill-advised proportions. I am excessively rude to people, often to their faces, have virtually no sense of propriety and if I were anymore self-absorbed I'd collapse on myself like a neutron star. It's textbook. For a long time I got away with it and people still hung out with me, though I suspect they did it just to enjoy the show when I turned on someone like an LAPD Rottweiler. Nowadays, after time in college, people have matured (probably) and are wisely reticent to hang out with a narcissistic creep who offers no postivity to a group dynamic. I can't say I blame them, and probably secretly applaud their presence of mind. Who could take all that abuse without some payback mechanism?
If I knew me, there is no way we'd be friends.
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1 comment:
well no one calls you cuz im lazy. and another thing: i havent matured in college, i think ive been on a steady decline ever sinth 8th grade when i got a 100 on the earth science regents. yes that is my crowning achievement in life, im very proud. hell i tied imber - and while he goes on to bigger and better things i sit here and type comments to your entries and drink a beer for some reason or another. and now that i think about it, the intorduction of alcohol nearly coincides with my decline. funny, like in that episode of whatever where the irish people discover whiskey - you know the one. this would be a way better comment if i actually commented on you and not me, but i dont care.
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