Hilarious diversions

I am studying for my last final of the semester, and the last academic obligation I have before I go to live in London for four months. While I manage to read my notes for a class called "Poverty and Income Distribution" I also feel very sad as this class reveals that much of America's wealth redistribution programs end up screwing poor people. In order to restore my faith in humanity, I went online to read something funny, and I found it at McSweeneys.

Most of my friends play poker, and while I don't really care for poker, I do like slang. Poker slang is some of the strangest terminology out there, but I very much enjoyed this one.

Poker Terminology I Feel I Could Get Away With Saying If I Ever Played a Tournament.

BY ANDY SUTHERLAND

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He's holding Babraham Lincolns.

Caught in a flytrap.

Lay it down on "The Tarpits."

Short-weeding the double-down avocado splitter.

Deuce trips.

So I pull trash from the flop, and end up sinking the Titanic.

Laboratory rats to the left, and I know the guy on the right has a suicide johnny—nothing else to do but drop the transmission.

He was short-stacked, so I raised with nothing but a bumpy melinda and a bullet.

Crunking the small blind.

So a Madeleine Albright pops up on Fourth Street.

After his raise, I know he's sporting two mustaches, and I can see one otter swimming the river on the flop.

I've got leaky quads, and I call, after he bulldozes the pit with half his gold towers.

I fold.